The Anonymous ISO

Don't be left home group-less!

2011-01-27T00:32:00.002-05:00

I'm wrapping up a business trip more than halfway across the country from home. It's been a very productive and rewarding trip, helping a client solve a problem where the solution actually means something to the client's clients. But, this is the first significant trip I've taken since getting sober and I admit I felt a little trepidation as the trip neared.

Business travel had always been accompanied by booze and there was some fear that the disease would come back to hit me with "you're away from home and no one will know" and "hey, you can find a way to write it off!" Fortunately, I have a brilliant bride and a strong sponsor and both made sure I was prepared not only for the business part of the trip, but for all the other hours as well.

I made sure I knew where the meetings were closest to my hotel and, after checking the schedules, knew that with my Higher Power's protection I would just be able to make an 8 p.m. meeting after arriving at my destination. Even with a layover in Atlanta I got to Denver right on time, there were no hiccups with the luggage or the rental car and the hour drive to where I was going to be went as smoothly as I could hope. And 8 p.m. found me just walking into the door of the club that would be my home away from home for the next almost two weeks.

One of the beautiful things about AA is that when I walk into a group anywhere it's like I've been there all along. There's absolutely no difference in a drunk in my hometown and a drunk in Colorado. What we share goes much deeper than a difference in accent and the fact that this Southern boy was not exactly sure he would survive a Colorado January! I was welcomed into the group I walked into with open arms and, even better, they had never heard some of the ice breakers that are often heard back home. Things like: "Look around you. It's [insert time] on [insert day]. Do you realize how much safer the streets of [insert town] are tonight because we're all here?"

I did try a couple of other meetings while in Colorado, but I kept coming back to the warmth of that first one. And they had some sayings of their own, many aimed at welcoming the newcomer. A couple of my favorites were "Don't be left home group-less" and "if you want to be a member of this group you just have to say you are -- Y'ARR!"

I'll tell you this. As long as welcoming groups exist in places like the Rocky Mountain Serenity Club in Fort Collins, Colorado there will never be a reason for any alcoholic to be home group-less! I'm looking forward to being home tomorrow, but I couldn't let the evening end without saying thanks my friends. You're my home group away from home! Y'ARR!

Until next time.

Building a base

2011-01-04T21:42:00.006-05:00

I was reminded tonight that no matter how good our intentions are, if we don't operate from a firm foundation things aren't likely to turn out well.

When I'm analyzing a client's information security architecture or recommending an enhancement or addition to the program there is never a question as to the components that must provide the base of support necessary for the program to be successful. But, when it comes to my alcoholism, there's always that tendency to want to second-guess the program with a "do I really need that?"

The simple answer is, if the AA program "suggests" it, do it.

That was brought home to be by the speaker I heard tonight, who described a harrowing alcoholic journey interrupted by brief periods of sobriety that always ended when she stopped working the program as given to her and put herself and not her Higher Power in the driver's seat. She knew:

"It won't happen this time..."
"I know what it's like out there now..."
"I love him too much to let him go now..."

Well it did happen, she forgot what it was like and that love disappeared when he went back out. She didn't have a base to stand on and she fell. Over and over and over. She lost. Over and over and over. She finally did reach her bottom. Nearly dead, but she reached it. And now, with a little more than a year, she's sharing the message of hope that she has found building a base on which to stand. She's learning the true meaning of the words: "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..."

She shared that hope with me tonight and I'm grateful, because it reminds me that I have to take time every day to work on my program and build that base a little stronger.

Until next time...

What a wonderful way...

2011-01-01T13:45:00.002-05:00

What a great start to the New Year! All those years where I was already well sloshed by the time the ball dropped are past and I didn't even wake up with bleary eyes, a cotton mouth or needing to throw up! Granted I didn't get up early this morning, but that was because I greeted the New Year with a meeting that started shortly after midnight. If it wasn't the first it was certainly one of the first meetings of the year in NE Florida.

We were a small group, gathered in the back room of a local clubhouse that was throwing its own New Year's Eve bash. We sat up the chairs and the candles for our candlelight meeting as we listened to other members of the fellowship cheer in the year and a few minutes after midnight I was given the privilege of starting the meeting. "My name is ..."

We decided to focus the meeting on the need to find our bottom before coming to AA, not only because we were starting the new year, but because we had a couple of beginners with us -- one of whom picked up his white chip at the end of the meeting. When we closed I think we all felt better. We were sober, not just dry, and feeling a wonderful sense of hope for the new year.

After the meeting I stopped by the clubhouse that hosts my home group and talked for a bit with a few of the men I know from the fellowship before finding my way home. As I crawled into bed, my wonderful, understanding bride of 28 years woke enough to ask me how it went and all I could say was "great." The sense of love and hope that fills me is beyond my wildest expectation and I am so grateful for the many gifts my God has given me.

A Happy and Blessed New Year to all of you!

Until next time...

Happy and blessed New Year

2010-12-28T22:23:00.004-05:00

Well, here we are just a few days away from the start of a new year. It's hard to believe the changes that have occurred in the past year and a half and I feel more blessed than I could ever have imagined. Learning to traverse life without the bottle to hide within is, at times, a challenge greater than any I have ever faced. I am continuing to learn, however, that my Higher Power, my God as I understand Him, is always there!

I pray that all of you out there stay the course. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path! Do the footwork and don't allow your head and disease to kill you. Keep sober feet this year. When your head says "I don't need a meeting" get to one right now! If your feet are in the meeting the head is bound to follow.

Happy New Year as we trudge that road to happy destiny!

Persistence

2010-11-18T23:22:00.002-05:00

When I posted the other day it occurred to me that it had been a solid month since I had done any writing on this site. While I've certainly kept busy keeping the clients happy and the bank account reasonably healthy I also have missed sharing my recovery -- the good and the bad.

The persistence of this disease continually amazes me. It's almost like a malevolent presence waiting to pounce from nowhere and consume me. Yesterday, even though I had been at my favorite weekly men's meeting, which was powerful and healing; even though I had had a sponsee with me with whom I had solid conversation and a chance to help him as he proceeds on the road; even though I had been on the phone with my sponsor after the meeting talking about the day, I found myself doing my old brooding routine on the porch as I smoked a cigarette. Suddenly I realized that I was actually making a mental inventory of which liquor stores might still be open if I hurried!

There was no reason for the disease to pounce. I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely or particularly tired. But I know that if I had not spent the past 18 months building a stronger relationship with my Higher Power, developing a healthy relationship of accountability with my sponsor and learning to become a student of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I would have lost the fight. I would have lost because I would not have had the spiritual toolkit necessary to maintain my sobriety.

The book tells us plainly that there will come a time when an alcoholic who is not in fit spiritual condition will be powerless before the first drink. I know that is the truth in my experience.

The disease is persistent as well as cunning, baffling and powerful. But with the help of AA and my Higher Power I can and will prevail as long as I remain "willing to go to any length..."

Until next time...

Goodbye to a friend.

2010-11-13T22:03:00.004-05:00

I, along with 150 or so of his closest friends, said goodbye to a friend today. He died sober.

I knew him better than I deserved, but not as well as I wanted. He gave me hope when I saw none. He never talked about anyone, but he would speak to anyone. He spoke to me. With a wry smile and a heavy, sometimes almost incomprehensible drawl he let me know it was going to be OK -- today. And somehow it was always today.

My friend reached out for the hand of a lot of suffering men for a lot of years and placed those hands in the hand of God. That's what he was taught to do and that is what he did. He wasn't my sponsor, but he was my friend. I am richer today because of him.

Thank you, Mississippi Pat.

I will be posting again soon!

2010-09-14T23:20:00.003-04:00

It has been a tremendously busy couple of weeks and when I'm not working most of my time has been devoted to my recovery. After all, if I'm not sober then really nothing else matters. Unfortunately, that leaves little time for writing and I really enjoy doing this.

But things should settle down into a more harmonic rhythm soon!

Until next time...

Anger. How do YOU handle it?

2010-09-08T22:02:00.009-04:00

Wow! What a meeting. We weren't halfway through and I turned to the man sitting next to our group secretary and whispered, "Hell, we can give out the chips now and go home!" The sharing at my men's meeting tonight was about the most powerful I've experienced and I've experienced a lot of powerful moments in that meeting. At that point I wasn't sure I could absorb much more.

I hadn't planned on chairing the meeting, but we've had some group upheaval recently with a change in location and secretary's. It's all good, but change brings its moments of confusion. Anyway, shortly before the meeting I was asked to pick a topic and be prepared in case the guy scheduled forgot. So I did what I often do. Picked up the Big Book, riffled the pages and let God pick.

So after we got the meeting started I asked a simple question. "How many of you in the past week have had someone just piss you off?" As you might expect, the majority of hands went up in the room and I read a section from the Big Book starting on page 66:

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

I then turned the meeting over to them with the request that the sharing focus on how they deal with anger today in their recovery as opposed to how they used to deal with it. Then I just sat back and learned. The group is as diverse as any I've ever encountered. We meet in a room at a recovery house and get people straight off the street or from detox. We have guys who are trying to get back on their feet, construction workers, business owners, cops, doctors, we even let a lawyer or two in. And me. The range of sobriety any given week may be from a few hours to almost 40 years. It was that way tonight.

To a man the stories shared showed the program of AA in action. Learning to recognize and work on cleaning up your side of the street. Learning to let go of resentments before they eat you up and lead you back to the bottle. Learning to show love and tolerance and that showing love and tolerance does not make you less of a man.

It occurred to me on the drive home that these men -- from the burly worker who wanted to pinch someone's head off but went back to forgive and receive forgiveness to the man who almost failed to help someone in need because of his anger but allowed his God and the program to work -- each has a healthier approach to the challenge of their daily life than most of the people I meet "out there." They have the program to help them to "practice these principles" in their daily life. And they are doing just that.

It's taken me a while to begin to grasp what it means to practice these principles. But, I have some good role models. My God, my Higher Power as I understand Him, gives me the humility I need to learn from the man who used to eat out of the dumpster and to see God and His wisdom shine through him.

Until next time...

I Truly Am Grateful!

2010-09-02T22:21:00.006-04:00

I am feeling very grateful tonight and I just want to share it! I got away from my work to a noon step speaker meeting that I like today. Someone I had never met before was starting the steps and it was great as he shared his experience, strength and hope with the first step and the principle of honesty. My sponsor's sponsor sat with me at one table while his sponsor sat a couple of tables away and we had a great hour together. The laughter and fellowship before and after the meeting just lifted me and energized me for an afternoon of work.

This evening I went to a Catholics in Recovery Mass, Meal & Meeting at a local parish. It's a regular once a month event that I get a lot out of. Although it's not an AA meeting and it's open to anyone in any recovery program most of us are either in AA or Al Anon. We start with the Mass, celebrated by a priest who also is in recovery, followed by a meal prepared by one of our fellows and volunteers providing salads and desserts. We then follow a pretty recognizable meeting format, with the focus on our recovery especially as it relates to our spiritual journey as Catholics.

Anyway, I got home and I just feel great and grateful. I'm grateful to the program of AA which has helped me renew and strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. I'm grateful for my sponsor and friends who hold me accountable for what I do inside and outside of the rooms. I'm grateful to God as I understand Him.

When I came back into the rooms 16 months ago I didn't see what was so damn funny that had all of you people laughing and smiling. Today I see. All it took was willingness. Willingness to surrender in the 1st Step and start being honest, especially with myself. Willingness to believe that the Higher Power I had professed really is there and loves me. Willingness to surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power, God as I understand Him, in the 3rd step. And the willingness to buckle down and do the work required in the rest of the steps.

I am grateful that I often hear my High Power speaking to me. Not in ethereal tones from the heavens, but in the voices of my brothers and sisters in the fellowship of AA and of my faith. (I think the last time I heard a "voice from above" it was from a loudspeaker!)

I said at a meeting the other night that I always want to remember the despair and hopelessness I felt coming in. I also don't want to forget or lose the gratitude I feel tonight. I just have to stay willing, open and honest.

Until next time...

Three Hours, Just Three Damn Hours

2010-08-31T23:45:00.003-04:00

Three hours.

That's all it took for a friend to go from sober to jail.

Three hours -- from the first sip of a hard lemonade to a car in a ditch surrounded by cops with the smell of vomit in the air. Three damn hours to despair, bewilderment and a freezing jail cell.

My disease just loves to slap me in the face sometimes. And that's what it was when my friend shared the story with me shortly after picking up another beginner's chip at our home group. I read the police report. Parts of it were funny in that sick, only an alcoholic understands, way. It wasn't funny, but it was funny because otherwise I'd cry.

There was no "reason" for it. An early dinner on a quick day trip and the thought "one lemonade would taste good." Complacency. A spiritual journey that had become more rote than meaningful. My friend's words, not mine. No defense against the first drink.

My friend had a little more time in the program than I. Fortunate to be alive to come back my friend is facing more wreckage to clear, family relationships to try to mend again, a professional rating at risk, jail. Three hours. It could have been me. It could have been you.

I have purposely avoided the pronouns that would identify my friend even by gender. It doesn't matter. It could have been me. It could have been you.

I thanked my friend for helping me stay sober one more day and that night I thanked my God for another day. I hope you will do the same.

It could be me. It could be you.

The Crossroads on the Road to Perdition

2010-08-26T00:01:00.015-04:00

There's a morbid fascination with evil in our society. Books and movies like "The Road to Perdition," "The Godfather" and "In Cold Blood" draw readers and audiences thirsting for titillation while safely ensconced in their homes or theaters.

I never read the novel "Road to Perdition" and I had no interest in the film, although with Paul Newman, Tom Hanks and Jude Law it certainly contained no lack of talent. I usually like that genre and have reveled in hours spent with "The Godfather" and its sequels, and in novels like Truman Capote's "In Cold Blood." Whether fictional like "The Godfather" or semi-documentary like "In Cold Blood" the movies and books provide a feeling of safe distance from the overt presence of evil.

Few really know how close they are to that evil. Sometimes in their own homes. But an alcoholic knows. First hand.

An alcoholic knows Hell. An alcoholic has walked the road to perdition. Each with his own story. Some have seen great evil on the road; some lesser. Everyone who's trod the road and survived to get off of it knows where it inevitably leads.

Today I am trying to remain teachable as a student of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have to remember that I am only one drink away from resuming my trek along my own road to perdition. Getting off that road and, more importantly, staying off that road is the real focus of my program. Anyone can stop drinking for a while. My problem was staying stopped. I have to learn through reliance on my Higher Power, the steps, the guidance of my sponsor, the literature and the meetings how to live soberly.

Taking the first steps on this new road, I became honest with myself that my previous relationship with my God had always been distorted through the lens of alcohol and only when I removed that lens could I truly turn my will and my life over to Him in my third step. I had removed the liquor before, but without an honest surrender I couldn't remove the lens. The miracle was that I survived long enough in the program for that to happen. What was it that made the difference?

I was at a crossroads. I knew I couldn't continue and I didn't know how I could not continue. My disease had me in its clutches and I knew I had nothing good ahead. There at the crossroads I finally became willing.

Bill Wilson wrote to noted psychiatrist Carl Jung some years after AA got started to thank him for his influence on the origins of AA and to bring him up to date on the status of Rowland H., whose encounters with Jung are in the Big Book. When Jung wrote back he expressed the seminal idea that provides the core of what has helped me begin to experience the miracle.

"I am strongly convinced that the evil principle prevailing in this world leads the unrecognized spiritual need into a perdition, if it is not counteracted either by a real religious insight or by the protective wall of human community. An ordinary man, not protected by an action from above and isolated in society, cannot resist the power of evil..."
Carl Jung -- letter to Bill W.

There at my crossroads, with a moment of clarity finally breaking the fog, I began to experience that insight, just a little. What AA provided in those critical first days and which it still provides on a daily basis is that protective wall of human community. So I have my God providing me protection from above -- as long as I remain willing -- and my AA community protecting me right here.

That is what the early Christian communities did. Come together to strengthen, correct and learn from each other and draw closer to God. And whatever my conception of God is, whatever your conception of God is, it works. It works for me daily. It works as long as I remain willing. It works as long as I work at it.

So each day I know I again am at the crossroads and I must be willing. One more hour. One more day. Going down to the crossroads...

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please."

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Humility is not for wimps

2010-08-13T14:50:00.002-04:00

I don't remember exactly where I read this. I think it was one of the recovery magazines that are always around the rooms attached to halfway houses or recovery centers.

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less."

I love it. It's simple and direct. But I don't think it's something that many of us are familiar with or comfortable with when we come into the rooms. Of course, I don't have any frame of reference for what it's like for a woman, but as a guy the word humility always implied a defeat. "The team suffered a humiliating loss to cross-town rival..." "He was humiliated by his failure to..."

Then we come into the rooms, already beaten down by our disease and desperately clinging to whatever self-esteem and ego we have left, not understanding that it is our selfishness and self-centeredness that is at the root of our problems. It is all about me. And my rectal-cranial inversion keeps me thinking it is all about me.

My Catholic faith has taught me to be humble before God. At least, I thought it had. After all it was God, capital G, they were talking about. It was easy to be humble before HIM.

I had missed something though. God comes to me through others. And sometimes the other isn't very attractive. "Don't you know who I think I am!" But, can I stop thinking about myself long enough to take a cup of coffee to the elderly man in the corner trembling with Parkinson's who wants to talk but you can barely understand him? Can I forget about myself long enough to talk to the guy with the shakes, who still smells of urine and vomit, but who desperately wants help? Can I forget about myself long enough to pick up the empty coffee cups and candy wrappers and throw them away?

Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes I can't and I know I have a long way to go. But I know the direction I need to be going and I have hope. Hope that only the rooms and the program and my God, with and without the capital G, could have given me.

I'll close this post with the plaque on humility Dr. Bob had on his desk:

"Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.

"It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble

Until next time...

Romancing the Chalice.

2010-08-08T21:59:00.010-04:00

During a presidential debate back in the '80s Ronald Reagan turned to his opponent, shook his head and said "There you go again..." Well, I'm involved in something a lot more important to me than a debate. I'm involved in a battle for my life and yet, "there I go again."

No, I didn't take a drink. I didn't pop a pill or smoke a joint. I simply got complacent.

I'm a Eucharistic Minister in the Catholic parish I belong to. For me, as a Catholic, that's a big deal. I am entrusted to not only handle the precious body and blood, but am allowed to take the presence to the sick in a local rehabilitation hospital. When I came into recovery I had a long talk with my priest about my alcoholism. He understands the issue pretty well for a "normie" and was certainly understanding about the dilemma I faced. We agreed that if I felt that I couldn't cope with handling the chalice holding the consecrated wine then we could find another solution, but I would continue serving and if it was my place to serve the chalice then I would simply raise it in reverence when it was given to me and not drink from it.

That worked well for more than a year. Each time I was on the altar and was presented the chalice I had no urge to drink from it. I could present the chalice to others without feeling any obsession or urge.

I guess I began to become a little complacent, maybe cocky in the "I've got this licked" sort of way. Well, I don't have it licked.

Today I approached the altar and was presented the chalice. Standing there behind the altar facing my brothers and sisters in the church I suddenly found myself remembering when I did partake of the cup.

It didn't take but a few moments for me to realize I was "Romancing the Chalice." One of the old stories in the back of the book I read recently was talking about this very problem. Treating old memories like a favorite pet. That pet, however, will turn in a heartbeat into a ruthless wolf. I pulled myself together and said a quick prayer for strength and the moment passed.

And, even though I knew I had recognized the danger and pulled back "as if from a hot flame," I still talked with my sponsor and his sponsor. I knew I needed to tell on myself if for no other reason than to stay honest. Staying honest. What a concept. Staying sober. Wow!

Are we too nice to help?

2010-08-07T16:16:00.019-04:00

"Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."
--ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , p. 62

We sometimes try to be too nice at meetings with newcomers and chronic relapsers who are more interested in finding excuses than solutions. At least that's my humble opinion.

I was in two meetings yesterday where the discussion was started, in both cases by men who have been in and out of the rooms for years, with complaints of how unfair life and AA are. In the first meeting we had just finished reading the daily reflection, which started with the quote above, and a guy started the discussion by talking about how he just can't get a "fair shake" from AA because it focuses on self-delusion, selfishness and self-pity. He's been dual-diagnosed with depression and PTSD, he's on medication and it's not his fault that he keeps drinking. In the second meeting the fellow that asked to start the discussion started talking about how he's homeless, living in a tent in the woods, can't get a job (or keep one) and he just can't seem to not drink because "things" are so bad.

In neither case was the "bullshit" flag thrown. Instead, the other people who shared danced around the issues and just urged both men to "keep coming back." Only a couple of people said anything about getting serious about the program and, if there were unresolved medical issues, to continue seeking appropriate medical care.

I have to admit, I just sat there, too. Honestly, I think I was worried about getting embarrassed if I said something strong and got called out myself by one of the oldtimers there. (Note to self: Self, talk to sponsor)

Anyway, what do I mean by the bullshit flag? I mean laying out cleanly and unambiguously that both guys were simply doing what thousands before them have done. They were simply trying to justify why they were different, why they were unique. They were looking for excuses for their drinking and neither one really wanted sobriety.

Lots of people in and out of the program have psychological issues. If it's treatable and you're treating it there's no excuse for not taking responsibility for your actions and decisions. If you're an alcoholic you have a choice to make. Are you willing to "go to any lengths" for sobriety? It doesn't matter if you have a home, a wife or a job. If you keep drinking any of those things you still have will inevitably go away and experience shows us that only a bleak future awaits.

I'm not saying to be cruel or mean. But we have to be honest with the alcoholic that comes in for help, even if he's coming back for the 90th time. Our founders were honest with each other and with their "pigeons" and we can do no less for each other. If we refuse to tell another alcoholic to stop lying to himself, to get honest and start working the program we're not doing him any favors and we're not doing ourselves any favors.

If you keep drinking no one's going to hire you. If you keep drinking you won't be able to keep a home. If you keep drinking ...

The God Shot!

2010-08-04T22:49:00.013-04:00

I've heard them called "God Shots." Those moments in the room when a Higher Power -- yours, mine or theirs -- acts to provide exactly what is needed at that moment. It's amazing to experience and to witness.

Shortly before I went into a meeting the other day a man I have known since I came back into the rooms came over and sat down. He just wanted my take on his reaction to an incident that had happened a week ago and that he was still carrying a resentment about. I know he has counseled with his sponsor on it. I know the circumstances and he was indeed treated badly. I also know that he got good advice on how to handle it. And despite everything he was still feeling the burn of the resentment and was scared that his old behaviors might start surfacing because of it.

There wasn't anything I could say to him beyond echoing what I know his sponsor had told him and together we walked in to the meeting.

The God Shot? The speaker scheduled for that meeting had unexpectedly canceled and another man and his wife had been asked to share the task of speaking at the meeting literally three minutes before the meeting was to start. When the guy started speaking, his story quickly turned to his handling of a resentment shortly after coming back into the rooms. The resentment he had dealt with was much a more serious, life changing event that had deeply effected his personal and recovery life.

As he described how he had worked through the resentment and put it aside by following the suggestions of his sponsor he said nothing that wasn't what had already been said to my friend. The God Shot was God speaking through this guy telling us "Don't give up. Turn to Me and let me work my miracles in you." As he was speaking I glanced toward my friend and prayed that he was hearing the same message I was. I think he did.

I know I heard and witnessed a special moment. A moment not unlike a lot of others I have seen. My God doesn't tend to talk to me in an ethereal voice from the heavens. He tends to prefer to speak to me with the voices of others who are sharing this path. For that I am grateful.

Until next time...

Choose your slope...

2010-08-01T21:38:00.010-04:00

I have never done any snow skiing. I do, however, enjoy watching Olympic skiing and I've seen the comedies where the newbie starts out on the "bunny slope" and somehow winds up on the expert run with the predictable slap stick results.

I bring it up because it occurs to me that somewhere in there is a pretty good analogy for how my drinking progressed. Even though I drank alcoholically for a long, long time I was one of the drunks that maintained pretty well and the downward slope I was on stayed gentle for a long time. I know a lot of people that hit the extreme slopes almost as soon as they started drinking. It wasn't that way for me.

Although I came into the rooms in 2003 it was for the wrong reasons and I tried to play AA my way, cafeteria style. Pretty soon my complacency, the lack of honest surrender to Step 1, etc., etc., let me convince myself everything was OK and I could drink "just a little." I can hear you asking now: "And how did that work out for you?"

The ensuing six years found me jumping from the green circle right past the blue squares to the double black diamonds -- do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just head for the bottom and try to not die before you get there.

What I love about analogies is that they give me an imagery that helps me better understand the subject at hand. Without using the imagery of the analogy I look back on the past 30+ years and ask those questions that will inevitably lead me back to the bottle. You know the ones. "Was is really that bad?" "Did I really drink like an alcoholic?" "Why me?"

But with the imagery I can see the gradual downward slope that led, inevitably, to the dive. I could graph it -- after all I'm a computer nerd -- and do a risk analysis on it. Just to tell me that I'm an alcoholic. I have a disease. I can never drink alcohol safely. I don't need to graph it though. the imagery helps me see it as clearly as I need.

I finally got off the slopes and can sit in the lodge with a cigar and rich coffee enjoying life while others are still out in the cold. I can stay off the slopes as long as I don't convince myself it's OK to strap on the skis again.

Hello Fear...

2010-07-29T22:38:00.003-04:00

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
Frank Herbert, "Dune", 1965

I'm not sure when I first read the novel "Dune," but I'm fairly sure it wasn't long after its initial publication. Since then I have read the classic trilogy a number of times because it's a good read. But the quote above popped into my head last night as I was thinking about the meeting I had just come from. It's my favorite meeting of the week, a long-standing men's meeting that is a no-holds-barred experience in recovery. The topic was fear.

I've been to a lot of meetings where we talked about fear, but for some reason, in this meeting, the release from fear that emanated from each of the men who shared was palpable. It was electric.

So I found myself on the drive home from the "meeting after the meeting" thinking about some of what was shared and that even with the different experiences that were talked about there was a commonality that had everyone nodding in understanding and empathy.

Our literature tells us that "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity"(1) we have hurt others and they have retaliated. Yet, even when we have only taken baby steps on our road to recovery we can quickly "begin to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter."(2)

How cool is that!?

Yet fear is a persistent and pernicious little bastard. It keeps finding a way into our lives and as the book says "somehow touches about every aspect of our lives." Our founders called it and "evil and corroding thread"(3) shot throughout our lives. It's only through our own persistence in working the steps and maintaining our spiritual fitness through reliance on a Higher Power that we can stop fear from again taking control. We probably all either know people or are the people who have gone back out. Some of us never make it back. It took me six long and painful years to make it back.

There was a time when I feared not having enough booze to make it through to tomorrow when I could get more because I couldn't face anything in my life without drinking. Today I have hope and faith that I can face what life throws at me and with the grace of my God, the fellowship of AA and the power of the steps I don't have to drink. I can face my fear, I can let it pass and I can survive.

And hearing, seeing and feeling the release from fear in that men's meeting I know that it is possible not just today. But tomorrow, too!

Until next time...

1) Alcoholics Anonymous, Chap. 5, pp. 62
2) Ibid, Chap. 5, pp 63
3) Ibid, Chap. 5, pp 67

What's your decision?

2010-07-25T23:35:00.000-04:00

A friend shared something his sponsor told him years ago. "You have a choice to make. You can die with the disease or you can die from the disease."

There's a stark dichotomy that exists in that statement:

You can choose to accept the disease and treat it;
You can ignore the disease and not treat it.

Either way the time will come when you will die. Now, even if you refuse to accept that you have the disease and continue drinking, you have, by default, chosen option two. There are no other choices. The disease is not going to go away, there are no magic pills to cure it. If you have the disease of alcoholism you can never drink alcohol like the non-alcoholic.

If you choose option two you can look forward to a continuing downward spiral affecting your health, finances, relationships -- everything. You may end up with failure of major organs like the liver or the heart, maybe you develop a "wet brain" that requires institutionalization. Chances are good your family life will become non-existent, either because your family will no longer be able to tolerate you or because you isolate yourself from them to the point where it's the same thing. Either way your spouse, children, parents, everyone who loves you will be hurt deeply. Career? Forget it.

Homelessness, despair, jails, prisons, institutions are all facing you in the future. Maybe you've already started encountering them.

Sound pretty grim?

It doesn't have to be. Many of the men and women in the rooms of AA have encountered these things and more and yet have made it back to the make the decision to take option one.

Taking that option they have started repairing the wreckage they created. In many cases relationships with family and friends have been repaired or restored. New or restored jobs or careers are created. They live life fully without alcohol.

When illness hits option one helps us deal with it sanely and soberly. When family tragedy hits option one helps up deal with it sanely and soberly. When job crisis hits option one helps us deal with it sanely and soberly.

When good things happen option one helps us celebrate sanely, soberly and joyously.

Life is life. Good and bad things are going to happen whether you drink or not. It's your choice how to respond. If you are an alcoholic you have a disease and you can choose to treat it or not. No one can make you do anything.

And option one is right there in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The program of AA is there as a gift. No hidden fees or membership requirements, other than a desire to stop drinking. It will require some work on your part. You will find yourself facing some uncomfortable truths. But, you don't even have to believe to come into the rooms and start getting better. You just have to show up.

AA has changed and continues to change my life on a daily basis. I'm slowly recovering some of my self-respect and the respect of others. I can be happy and I can face tragedy without opening that bottle of Beam. That would not have happened before. I think now, that when the time comes, I will be remembered well and it will be, in part, because of the choices I make.

The day will come when you will die. How do you choose to be remembered?

Service or Commodity -- What hath Internet access become?

2010-07-23T17:31:00.006-04:00

OK, I'm on a little bit of the "full of rant" side of things right now so bear with me. I've been without Internet service at home now for more than 24 hours. If this were the first time this had happened I would not be as fired up as I am today, but the service has been up and down all week, there was a serious area-wide outage just two weeks ago and I was without service for almost a week just a month ago.

Now, when Comcast gets things right the access is great. The problem is, when it comes to customer service they rarely get things right.

I don't use access just to browse the web, communicate with friends or post this blog. I use it for business. As a contractor I rely on access to get into my clients' sites, to run tests for them, evaluate systems, write/edit/submit documentation, etc. And, as a contractor, if I don't work I don't get paid. So right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks (now that they have free wi-fi), sipping on a mocha, running a system scan of one of my client sites and writing this blog. This morning I worked from Borders Books. I think I prefer Borders, but Starbucks is much closer and is between me and the meeting I'm going to in a bit.

I have tried to be nice in my conversations with the group that passes itself off as customer service for Comcast. I've told the people I've spoken with that I don't blame them for the inability to respond more quickly. Without saying it, I know they are just hourly employees doing what the boss instructs. But, it's hard to be nice when they seem to think they've done me a huge favor by promising to get someone to me two days after I report the service down. I even had a "team lead" tell me they were in compliance with their contract with me in taking so long to get to me and suggested I upgrade my service.

Now I'm a single person shop. I don't have the need for the huge data transfer capabilities that come with a commercial contract and since it's just my home connections the speed they are providing is great for my need. What I need is service. They don't seem to grasp that I know what I'm seeing when I access their modem and check the stats. I can see where it's hanging and I know that the outbound power levels in dBmV are too high and that indicates a problem on their lines. The last tech I had agreed and gave me a modem he thought would be more tolerant while he put in an engineering report to have the situation repaired. Apparently no one repaired it and it has simply gotten worse.

That brings me to the subject of this blog. Is Internet access simply an entertainment service or is it becoming a commodity necessary for the smooth functioning of the economy? I would suggest the latter. Look at the number of businesses providing free wi-fi to entice customers (where I'm sitting for example). How many businesses are finding it more economical to allow employees in positions that don't necessarily require them to be in the office to work remotely?

While Internet service may not be a commodity in the sense that electricity is, neither was electricity that critical for years after it was introduced into the home. It wasn't until the Rural Electrification Act of 1936 that electricity began to become an essential commodity in the home. The rapid development and employment of 3g and 4g connection through wireless carriers tells me this is a need that is not going away.

And traditional (if you can be traditional in such a young industry) providers like Comcast run the risk of being replaced and left behind, especially if they don't realize that pleasing existing customers is just as, if not more, important than installing the new customer. I'm definitely going to explore a wireless option through my cell carrier and if I can get acceptable performance and coverage it may be time to say bye-bye Comcast.

Are you listening and do you care?

p.s. Comcast: When I'm on hold reporting an outage of my Internet access don't have a recorded message telling me to access www.comcast.com -- if I could do that I wouldn't be calling you, damnit!

Resentments aren't far away -- and they're sometimes silly

2010-07-21T21:44:00.007-04:00

This is why I write this blog, whether anyone reads it or not. Tonight I found out just how close a new resentment is. It's a close as my nearest meeting. I also found out that the silliest damn thing can prompt the resentment.

So, what happened? I have a nervous habit of folding the buck I have for the 7th Tradition basket. Sometimes I fold it into a picture frame, sometimes a cone shaped so the words "Federal Reserve Note" can be read. Occasionally, I'll break down and do the simple football. I don't know why I do it, it's just something to do with my hands while I'm listening. In business meetings I doodle, in AA meetings I play with my money. Heck, my sponsor's seen me fold it up and whisper to me "Boy, you ain't right..." Maybe not, but I know I'm not the only one.

Anyway, I did the cone tonight and dropped it in the basket when it came past. Now I was sitting just a couple of chairs away from the man who is current group secretary. When the basket came back around to him he saw my creation, pulled it out of the basket and tossed it back to me. I just grinned and pushed it back. He gave me a strange look and sent it back. So I pocketed it and went back to listening to the man who was sharing on the night's topic.

I don't know if he expected me to unroll it or replace it, but I've handled lots of baskets during meetings and have encountered bills in all kinds of shapes and conditions. As far as I'm concerned you take what you get.

Immediately, though, I felt the old responses start up in those "bad neighborhoods" in my mind. Thoughts of "screw him," "what a jerk," "I don't need this crap," all started whirling around. And if I let them continue to whirl I'll whirl my ass right out of there.

So I write it down instead and I'll share it with my sponsor and I'll laugh about it. Because the resentment I started feeling was caused by my disease. Maybe the secretary has his own problem to deal with, maybe not. But, that's his side of the street. I've taken care of mine!

Who stinks?

2010-07-20T10:31:00.023-04:00

"When you think that the people at your meetings stink, it means that you really are the one who stinks."(1)

Well, that's a nice slap in the face.

So, if I'm tired of hearing "THAT story" or get ticked because SHE never says anything positive then I'm screwed up? Yep, I guess so. That's what the book tells me anyway and that's what I'm slowly learning through my own experience. I forget how important "THAT story" was to me in those first painful days. I forget how SHE and her story comforted me that I wasn't alone in feeling the way I did.

The problem is, if I forget and start comparing instead of identifying, which is what I did when I came to the program before, then I'm headed back out. When I came in before I wasn't like the people in the rooms, I was different, I didn't need what they had. Now my risk is thinking that I'm not like the other people in the rooms because of everything I've learned. Talk about terminal uniqueness!

My ego and self-centeredness can overcome all the good I do for my recovery when I pray and meditate, do step work with my sponsor, read and go to meetings. Fortunately, I have a sponsor, who has a sponsor, who has a sponsor and each one of them is an expert ego-bubble popper. In addition, I stay close to others in the program who delight in popping that damn bubble when it pops up. Whether it's at my favorite men's meeting or smoking a cigarette outside a clubhouse I'm lucky to have people there to help me out. When I say "I think..." there's always someone there to answer "With what?"

So, I'll try to remember that I need to worry about cleaning up my side of the street and that someone in the room needs to hear "THAT story" or what SHE has to say, just as I did.

I want to finish today thanking God for the people I have around me in the program. I have a sponsor I trust and can freely call, his sponsor and other men with lots of experience to help me. I also have a lot of friends, young and old, that I've met this past year and we're on this happy road together as the class of '09!

(1) AA Grapevine, August 2010, "A Letter From My Uncle"

I have your phone! Do you KNOW what I have?

2010-07-17T22:17:00.015-04:00

Lots of my friends and colleagues spend more time staring at their new 3g and 4g devices than they do anything else. Playing with the greatest new app, updating Facebook with that embarrassing photo, texting dinner reservations, getting directions to the dinner reservations, checking to make sure there's money in the account for that dinner reservation...

Now, a lot of people enter the recovery process with very little to their name -- no phone, no car, no home, no family, no dog... But, it seems that no matter what the actual situation, the first purchase most people make when they can purchase anything besides a place to sleep and enough food to fill their belly is a cell phone.

In some ways it's a natural outgrowth of our always on, always connected society. A old timer friend noted the other day how much easier it is today to stay in touch with his sponsees and with his own sponsor. (I wonder how many of my friends remember sitting in a stuffy booth dropping coins into the slot to make a call?)

Anyway, digressions aside, how much do you know about that neat iPhone, Android, Blackberry, or Evo? The iPhone has come under intense scrutiny in the computer forensics/security community because it creates and stores a ton of information and chances are you have no idea it's doing it. For example:

That photo you just took and posted to Facebook? It probably contains not only the GPS coordinates where you took it, but also the serial number of your device;
Do you like the mapping app? Every time it closes out it takes a screenshot and stores it;
Other apps, like email, also have a screenshot taken when they close out;
What about the ability of the iPhone to "learn" from your typing so it can autocorrect your mistakes? All of that typing is stored and can be retrieved -- think login ids and passwords to your bank. (I would have to get a search warrant or at least explicit written permission from a device owner to put a key logger like this on a regular computer!);
And that stuff you just deleted? It's still there;
Your phone is, more or less, just a tiny computer and the bad guys are actively writing code to exploit your device for their own purposes.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. The truth is, if I have physical possession of your phone all bets are off. Whether I'm using a tool for forensics recovery that is vetted for use in a legal setting or a much less expensive tool that will simply let me dump data and then analyze it using other free or cheap software, I own your information.

I don't think anyone is going to give up their phone, but I want to make some suggestions:

Remember, if the good guys have a tool to retrieve the information, so do the bad guys and they bad guys are probably more likely to go after your phone than the good guys;
Do you lock your phone with a good password? I know it's a pain, but it will at least slow the bad guy down;
Record your device serial number somewhere outside of the phone and when it is lost or stolen report the serial number with the report;
When your device is lost or stolen get yourself to a computer -- fast -- and change all of your passwords;
Unless you absolutely feel compelled to do so don't access your bank or any other sensitive site using the phone.

Just remember, if I have it I probably have pictures of the login screen to your bank and probably your account number. I also have records of the keystrokes you used to login, including your password and the answers to any "security questions" you are asked. Also, if the phone is stolen and later seized in a criminal case the information on it could be traced back to you. You need to be able to prove when it was stolen or lost. In a pinch with a lost phone ask your insurance company if they will at least take a report of the loss with the serial number in case you need proof later.

This is not supposed to be an exhaustive account and it's not. The details also are specific to the iPhone. I want to point out, however, that similar risks exist, may exist, or will exist on other 3g/4g devices. My intent here is to help my friends be aware of what these risks are so they can better protect themselves. We are still in the early stages of development as far as these micro devices are concerned and the changes are coming at us "fast and furious."

Whether it's a "mini-Mac" operating system, a Linux-based OS or something else running the device we can't live without, we're in Huxley's brave new world and some of the players aren't very nice. Not very nice at all.

Get an attitude, damn it!

2010-07-17T13:03:00.001-04:00

A couple of things have given me a lot of food for thought this week. First, a normally quiet, reserved old timer who always has a smile on his face let go in a men's meeting with a no nonsense declaration to anyone waffling on the program. The second occurred in a meeting focusing on newcomers.

In the first, the old timer basically said that if all anyone wants is to sit in a meeting like a namby-pamby and toss out "feel good" comments he's just fooling himself. He said you need to get an attitude!

Hell, I used to have plenty of attitude, with a John Wayne swagger to match. That was my "show the world" persona where the motto was "f*** 'em if they can't take a joke" and "don't let the bastards get you down!"

Sure, I was just hiding the guy I didn't want anyone to know, a guy who didn't trust anyone or anything with what was inside. Hell, my own father hadn't wanted anything to do with me growing up, why would anyone else? And growing up in a family with three generations of women in the house and no other guys around, well, I guess I was fortunate to choose examples of how to be a guy from decent movie characters portrayed by actors like Wayne and Jimmy Stewart! (With a little Cagney thrown in.)

But, it turns out, that attitude wasn't too, terribly far from the attitude the old timer was talking about. He said that when he was still a newcomer an old broad (his words) had come up to him and told him straight up to get an attitude. He asked her what she meant and she said, "Boy, plant your feet, stare 'em in the eyes, spit and shout out 'dammit, I'm going to stay sober!' "

In other words, you've got to want sobriety, to be free, with every fiber of strength and energy you've got. If you don't grasp hold of the solution that's been given you and refuse to let anyone or anything take it away from you then you just won't get it.

I can buy that. When I came to the program before I wanted to want to get sober. I went to meetings, but I refused to take the program and make it mine! I lost.

The second instance happened when we focused a meeting on several newcomers, one of whom was coming back after going back out for a long time after a serious amount of time in recovery. He hurt. You could see it from 10 miles away. I remembered feeling the pain I saw on his face and in every move he made.

One of the other men in the meeting, when it was his turn to share, welcomed him back and said that when he saw the man come in he said a prayer of thanks to God because he had been afraid J. would never make it back. They had originally come to the program pretty close together. One stayed, the other didn't. And my friend shared that when he was still a newcomer the man who was his sponsor for 20 years until his death told him, "T. some of us will die so that the rest of us will know that it's possible." Every hair on my body stood up when he said that, because I knew that he could be talking about me -- yesterday.

Today, I'm not going to be a martyr on the altar of alcohol. I have my damn attitude!

Life on life's terms -- they're out to get me!

2010-07-15T22:36:00.006-04:00

It was interesting. The discussion started with someone asking how other people deal with "life on life's terms" once the pink cloud disappears and real life intrudes with the inevitable disappointments, worries and fears. It's a question that seems to come up with some regularity and I seldom tire of hearing affirmation from others that the program will provide a way to deal with these things without drinking.

Tonight was no different from others. There was solid sharing on the solution with each person sharing tending to focus or one or more aspects of recovery: attending meetings, working the steps, staying in touch with a sponsor and the fellowship and, most of all, staying in touch with a Higher Power. But, there was one aspect I thought was missing from the discussion and I shared it when my turn came. I don't know how well I got across my thoughts in the meeting. Maybe I can do a little better here.

When the stuff hits the fan the alcoholic me wants to make it all about me. The truth is that nothing happens to me as an alcoholic (in recovery or not) that is different from what happens to my non-alcoholic family, friends and co-workers. For years I dealt with everything -- good, bad or indifferent -- through an alcohol-induced haze while my wife, family and friends handled the same situations I was drinking over to the best of their ability.

Even in recovery, I can let myself get caught in that web of self-centered self-pity that wants to make it all about me and that will lead me right back to the bottle. I have to remind myself that I am not unique, that life is not "out to get me," that what happens to me happens to others.

The fact that I have a disease does not make me special, nor does it make me a target for "them". What it means is simply that I have to treat my disease so that I can learn to deal with those things without letting my disease get in the way. And that's what "dealing with life on life's terms" means to me: Treating and managing my disease through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so that I can manage my life as a sober, capable adult and can be there as the husband, father and friend that those who love me have the right to expect.

I have to remember the last part of the 7th step prayer when I pray, "Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."

Until next time...

I just didn't think it through...

2010-07-13T22:21:00.009-04:00

I got to the second meeting I was planning to go to today early. My home group normally has two meetings in the evening, the first at 6 p.m. followed by the 8 p.m. meeting. I like to get there before the 6 o'clock meeting lets out so I have about an hour for the "meeting before the meeting" with a wider group of people than I might otherwise have if I just waited to talk after the 8 p.m. meeting.

Anyway, I was sitting out in front of the club where we meet drinking coffee and smoking with a group of people, most of whom were considerably younger than I. The conversation was a comfortable mix of recovery with a little bull thrown in for levity when someone asked a young lady at the table if she still went to meetings in the part of town where lives. Her answer? "No, I don't like to go there. They're too stuffy and full of themselves."

Now this young lady recently picked up another white chip, coming back from a single day of drinking after (I think) about 9 months of sobriety. She followed up with "I just got tired of them asking me what I was going to do differently this time. I'm not going to change a damn thing, I just didn't think things through before I drank."

She said she had talked with her sponsor, but she didn't indicate what her sponsor thought. I didn't say anything, but knowing her sponsor, I would be willing to guess that she thinks some change probably IS called for.

That's what I was thinking about as I drove home after the meeting. If it were me telling my sponsor "I just didn't think things through," what would he say? Eliminating the list of probable curse words, he likely would have me start writing, trying to identify what it was that made me take control back from my Higher Power. When I took the 3rd step I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. In doing that, when I run into trouble or a temptation I don't expect an ethereal voice from on high to tell me not to pick up that first drink. What I do expect is for Him to come to me in the form of my sponsor's voice or the voice of another trusted friend in AA. But, that only works if I cooperate with Him and talk to someone before I take action.

If I don't give someone a call then I'm taking my will back. I know, now, where that will lead. It seems to me that this young lady has a tremendous opportunity for growth and to turn this event into something that can make her stronger in sobriety. But, avoiding a group to avoid uncomfortable questions and defiantly declaring "I'm not going to change anything" makes me think that surrender is not yet truly in her heart.

So, I hope this young lady's sponsor will help her find out what's behind her recent decision to drink and surrender whatever it is to her Higher Power. Otherwise, I'm afraid she's going to need the price of that next one...

How Did I EVER Get By?

2010-07-11T12:37:00.004-04:00

OK', OK. I'll admit it. Even though I've been in the tech field for decades -- wrote my first machine language code in the early 80s, Microsoft Assembler, C, C++, Linux kernel hacking, etc. -- I have been something of a troglodyte when it comes to cell phones. Being on call all the time for so many years made me actually hate the damn things. When I got a cell phone I just wanted something to do the bare essentials and LEAVE ME ALONE!

But, my bride in her lovely and infinite wisdom decided recently that it looked bad for someone running in the corporate tech circles that I do to be carrying a silly flip phone when the corporate standards are still the BlackBerry (I know, all the cool people are on the iPhone or something else). Anyway, I now have my BlackBerry and guess what? I can't imagine why I resisted. The resistance is gone!

Not only do I have two email services feeding it -- notifications from my personal account and from the account I use for this blog -- I also now have the Big Book on the thing. Not only the Big Book, but all the revisions since the first publication, all the stories from previous versions, version comparisons, a copy of the original and 4th edition versions, etc. I can read, bookmark, annotate, make notes...

I know I'm still behind the curve on the cell phone/multimedia front, but damn if I might not catch up!

Is it God or me?

2010-07-08T15:49:00.012-04:00

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!"

This prayer, along with the 7th step prayer and an old favorite from my Catholic tradition, the Holy Spirit prayer, not only helps me start the day, but sustains me throughout the day. As a matter of fact, when there is a silent meditation called for before we recite the Serenity Prayer I usually try to use the Holy Spirit prayer to help center my will on God and not myself as the meeting starts.

"Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love.
Send forth your Spirit, and they shall be created.
And You shall renew the face of the earth.
O, God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit, did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy His consolations. Through Christ Our Lord. Amen."

For me, the God of my Catholic faith, the triune Father, Son and Holy Spirit, is the Higher Power I rely on as I pray for my continued growth in sobriety and to know and do His will for me. I also know that there are probably as many "understandings" of a higher power as there are alcoholics and this post is not about saying "my Higher Power is better than your Higher Power, nyaa, nyaa!"

But some recent discussion meetings I've been at make me think that there is a disconnect for a lot of people when it comes to the need to develop a dependence on a higher power and a co-existing need to take action. My thinking was and still is screwed up in a lot of areas. I need my Higher Power, my God, to help me understand His will for me and remove all those defects of character I pray to have removed in the 7th step prayer. But for me to realize His will for me and for me to have those character defects removed I have to do more than just pray for it. I have to DO something.

I read something recently that really stated it well. The article said that if you pray for God to make you a doctor, He's going to tell you "Go to medical school."

Looking at it that way, if I ask God to remove my defects of character His answer is probably going to be along the lines of: "Finish your 4th and 5th steps and do 6 and 7. You now should at least see the worst ones -- so change your behavior! We'll work on the rest when you've made some progress. Oh, and talk to your sponsor about steps 8 and 9..."

If I'm going to succeed at sobriety I have to actively cooperate with God. I can't sit on my butt and expect Him to do all the work. I have to meditate and pray and listen for what He has to say to me and He can send His messages using a lot of different messengers. I also have to be prepared to actually work for my recovery. Like it says in "How It Works" I have to be "willing to go to any lengths": Go to meetings, get and use a sponsor, work the steps, help another alcoholic, repeat.

I like to rephrase part of what we read in Chapter 5 to make it more immediate for me:

I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable by me;
No human power can fix me;
God can and will if He is sought and if I do the footwork!

Until next time, don't drink today...

Serendipity... Little miracles in recovery

2010-07-05T22:47:00.012-04:00

It's funny. I was planning to write about trust and the role it plays in my professional life and in my life in recovery. But, I realized tonight that God had another topic picked, if I only had the willingness to listen.

I chaired a noon step meeting today and a halfway house downtown. I've sort of become the de-facto chair of the Tuesday meeting and I love doing it. The meeting, because it is at the house, usually has a number of newcomers and there is a contingent of men and women with five to more than 30 years of sobriety who make it a point to make that meeting. I guess that's one reason I love chairing the meeting -- it's an ego boost for someone as new in recovery as I am and I have to be careful not to let my selfish, self-centered, ego-driven self take charge. It's a chance for me to exhibit the trusted servant aspect of our second tradition and during our meditation before the Serenity Prayer I always pray for the Holy Spirit to dwell within and guide me.

We had a new speaker starting the steps today and when she finished her sharing on the first step we had some time for group discussion and the sharing was sharp and on topic. Everything went just as it was supposed to. A good meeting.

After work this afternoon I decided to take advantage of the chance to make it a double-header today and headed for my home group for its 8 p.m. speaker meeting. I got there a little early and grabbed the seat I normally like. I put my copy of the Big Book in the seat and set my Coke on the table next to it before I stepped outside to grab a smoke and have a "meeting before the meeting" with some of the other drunks.

Heading back inside, I stopped and said hello to some of the people I hadn't seen outside. The meeting room was filling up pretty good when I finally made it back to my seat. As the clock hit the magic big hand on the twelve, little hand on the eight I realized that no on was up front to chair and no one apparently prepared to share their experience, strength and hope.

Then I heard someone in the back ask one of the newer young men in the group to step up to chair and I thought we would probably just turn it into a discussion meeting. But as J stepped up to the podium a lady sitting up front motioned to him and I heard her tell him she would like to tell her story. "Oh great," I thought, "I wonder if I can still slide out the back?"

I had never seen this lady, I hadn't noticed her talking with anyone else I knew in the room and my cynical tendencies started rearing their ugliness. I need to talk to my sponsor about this because my reaction proved my character defects are alive and well.

But, after the announcements, the readings and the reminders about parking, cell phones, etc. the lady was introduced as our speaker.

Simply put, she knocked it out of the park. She was 22 years sober and had been in our city only five years. She lives at the beach and so makes her home group there. Why she was at this meeting I don't know. I'm just glad she was. She said some things that resonated with me and reached me in a way no one else has been able to since I came back to the rooms. I'll just mention one of them.

She said she never felt that she fit in with her family or any other groups and there was a time that she wondered if maybe the jokes about "the milkman" aimed at her might not be true. She talked about her drinking persona of the bad girl with the foul mouth and blackout behavior. She also said that when she came to AA she had trouble identifying with the people there because she hadn't been through the DUI's, treatment centers and jails, and she was still relatively young.

She said "I was too bad for my family and now I wasn't bad enough to fit in at AA." But, she said she finally realized that it didn't matter if some oldtimer had "spilled more than she drank" or that she hadn't faced jail or treatment. The only thing that mattered was that she had reached a point where her drinking was no longer tolerable and she could no longer live the way she was living.

That I identified with. I, too, was lucky enough to escape a lot of the experiences many of my friends in recovery have been through and, for a long time, I had difficulty believing I could be part of the recovery culture without them. Now, I know I can.

Two meetings. One went the way it was planned and was good. The other went the way God planned and it was great!

The choices we make.

2010-07-04T22:55:00.002-04:00

Our country's founders made a momentous choice when they pledged their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honors to found this nation. Today we celebrate our country's birth and can be comforted in the knowledge that as we celebrate there are men and women from around the nation willing to make momentous choices of their own on a daily basis in service to this country in the armed forces.

So today I'll just thank God for them, past and present, and pray that God continue to bless this greatest nation to every grace this globe. Tomorrow I'll go back to worrying about the future of the nation as we continue to elect fools on the basis of their promises of something for nothing on the backs of the producers!

God Bless America!

What does Wired know?

2010-07-04T02:10:00.001-04:00

This is proving harder to write than I thought. The latest issue of Wired Magazine (tree-ware version July 2010) has an article "Secret of AA: After 75 Years, We Don't Know How It Works." As much as I like Wired, the editorial tone it sometimes takes in its articles leaves me cold, so it was a pleasant surprise to find that it wasn't a hit piece on AA and I'm trying to figure out why I am having such a negative reaction to it.

There were the factual errors, the author's seemingly veiled disdain for the program's spiritual aspects, the mischaracterization of some of the steps, but those are relatively minor. So what is really bothering me? Even though the article focused on trying to explain that we don't know why AA works and that it doesn't work for everyone or even for most people the author was open with the admission that it is the best thing around for treating alcoholism.

I appreciate that it's difficult for a non-alcoholic to write about the disease or AA in a way that one of us will appreciate because we don't share a common frame of reference. That's what Bill learned early on. Only an alcoholic can talk to another and reach him.

I think what strikes me most is that the author seems to want to try to prove a negative when he writes that perhaps figuring out why AA doesn't work for everyone will help the development of a system that "improves on Wilson’s amateur scheme for living without the bottle." Well, I think it's pretty clear why the program doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone is ready to use the treatment model it presents. There was a time I certainly wasn't ready, even though I desperately needed it. And I don't know that there is anything that could have been done to hurry my readiness.

Alcoholism is a disease and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a treatment program for that disease. The problem is that the author is confusing the effectiveness of the program with the problem of getting the alcoholic to take advantage of it. I don't know how many people cycle through AA meetings because of courts, treatment centers, halfway houses or concerned family, but my observation tells me that many of them have no intention of using AA to live soberly. Many can talk of nothing among themselves but getting out and getting it back on.

Alcoholism isn't the only disease where getting the patient to accept and follow through with the treatment is a problem. Let's take a look at some imaginary responses after a physician tells his patient, "John, I've reviewed your test results. You have diabetes and you need..."

John(1): Thanks doc, my sugar may be a little high, but I only have an occasional Big Mac and fries, and I need a couple of candy bars to pick me up in the afternoon. I'll think about it."

John(2): Gee doctor, that's scary. I guess I do need to make some changes, but that diet seems a little harsh and with work and family I don't see how I can make those counseling sessions on managing the disease.

John(3): OK, tell me what to do.

John(1) is the alcoholic who either won't admit that there's a problem, or doesn't care. I don't think that even if modern medicine came up with a one-shot solution he would take advantage of it. "Me not drink? You're crazy! I just like having a little fun with my buds."

John(2) is the alcoholic who realizes he has a problem but doesn't want to make any changes or do the work necessary to treat the problem. He wants the "alcohol fairy" to tap him with her wand and make the problems disappear. He wants the cafeteria style program where he can pick and choose; insists on doing it his own way.

John(3) is the alcoholic who's decided to stop digging his bottom deeper and is "willing to go to any length."

It's not silly to equate the alcoholic who refuses treatment with the diabetic who fails to treat his. Much like alcoholism, diabetes is a chronic, debilitating disease and, interestingly enough, few patients die directly from the disease. A 2009 white paper on problems involved in the treatment of the diabetic notes:

"Poor control of the insidious complications of diabetes is what creates its chronic morbidity, mortality and skyrocketing costs."1

Now this poor control could be the result of the medical professional having difficulty in designing an appropriate treatment methodology for a particular patient. But the paper also noted:

"Patients need help in learning how to adjust their medications so they don’t join the 50 percent of those who fail to take their medicine in the first year of therapy. In addition, they need help with managing their diet, overcoming social and psychological burdens, leading healthier lifestyles, and integrating the constant demands of an unforgiving disease into their lives."2

Breaking that paragraph down, it claims that 50 percent of diabetic patients fail to take their medicine in the first year of therapy and need help:

Managing diet;
Overcoming social/psychological burdens;
Leading healthier lifestyles;
Integrating the constant demands of an unforgiving disease into their lives.

You know what? The problems are very much in line with the problems facing an alcoholic in recovery.

Only the first step of the 12 directly refers to our abuse of alcohol. The remaining 11 help us learn to live! As I said, I don't know how many people cycle each year through AA meetings, but I know how many stand a chance of making it: All of the John(3)s.

Comedian Bill Engvall has a bit about getting thrown (literally) out of a bar in New York. He said a half dozen bouncers surrounded him in the parking lot and says "I didn't know how many of them it would take to kick my ass. But, I knew how many they were going to use. That's an important piece of information to have." And that's the kind of information the alcoholic needs to have to honestly begin the steps.

What do I mean? I had a terrible time admitting my powerlessness and, based on conversations with other alcoholics, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. It wasn't until I did what it tells us in Chapter 3 of the Big Book and found a way to completely smash the idea that I could drink like other men that I became able to work the program honestly. Because I know now, unlike Engvall, exactly how many drinks will be used to kick my ass.

One.

That's all it will take because as soon as I take that one drink I'll take another, and another, ad infinitum. And I might never get back...

1 ) Treating the Diabetes Infrastructure: A White Paper by Close Concerns (www.closeconcerns.com)
2 ) Ibid, Treating the Diabetes Infrastructure

Explaining the name

2010-07-02T22:58:00.001-04:00

So, what does the name The Anonymous ISO stand for? Anonymous is simple. It's my bow to the AA traditions. I want to discuss my experience with learning to live a happy, sober life and I want to avoid violating the tradition of anonymity in "press, radio, or film." The ISO simply reflects what I do to help put food on the table. It's an acronym for Information Security Officer. I help corporations with their technical and administrative need to secure their information and comply with various regulatory requirements.

Much of what I do professionally requires that a very high level of trust exist between my employer and me. Unfortunately, the stigma that still attaches to the disease I have has the potential to derail my effectiveness by causing some employers to lose trust in me. I have never, even while I was in the worst phase of my alcoholism, compromised the trust of my employer and I pray that I never will. By definition, my professional role provides me with access to much of any employer's most sensitive information. I honor that responsibility and want to avoid any potential for conflict.

Therefore -- The Anonymous ISO.

By the way, I am preparing a post on the article in the latest issue (July 2010) of Wired titled "Secret of AA: After 75 Years, We Don't Know How It Works." I hope to get it finished for posting tomorrow. I just thought I would give you a heads up in case you wanted to read the article before I post!

Until next time...

Damn, how did I get here?

2010-06-28T21:58:00.002-04:00

A funny thing happened on the way to ...

I became a drunk.

It's not a pretty word. It's not a pretty phrase. I can think of a lot of words that can be considered pretty: mellifluous, dressage, perspicacity. There are some phrases I consider especially beautiful: "For God so loved the world..." and "O'er the mountains of the moon..." spring to mind.

"I became a drunk" just doesn't cut it.

So what happened? I wasn't supposed to be a drunk! I was a college-educated, mid-level executive who wore suits, owned his own tuxedo, could hold his own in both professional and personal gatherings. Sure, I had been a little wild in my 20s, hadn't we all? But, I had moved on from the long-haired wild man of my youth. I was well entrenched in my church community (too many details would break anonymity), I was trusted by my employer with sensitive information that some in top level leadership did not have, I had and still have a great family. How could things be so wrong?

The truth is that it doesn't matter. It's not why I'm an alcoholic that matters. What matters are the choices that I make now to deal with the fact that I am an alcoholic; that I have the disease of alcoholism.

Maybe you think that "those people" just need to get a grip and "exercise a little self-restraint." Toward the end I even had an HR person at a major medical institution tell me "if I were you I just wouldn't have had anything to drink during the work week." Well, if I could do that then I wouldn't be an alcoholic, would I?

Even if you decide to discount a physician's opinion written more than 60 years ago before much of what is known about alcoholism today was known and which can be found in the the book Alcoholics Anonymous, a cursory search of the relevant documentation should serve to convince you that alcoholism is a disease. It's a disease as certainly as diabetes, coronary disease or cancer. The major difference in my opinion, a difference that I think continues to foster the stigma that follows the disease, is that there is no definitive medical test that can confirm the diagnosis of alcoholism. It is a disease diagnosis that only the patient can confirm.

When I'm doing an analysis of a computer system I look for the telltales that point me to where the problem lies. Is it a virus, is a start up service hiding a worm inside normal system files or am I looking for hidden data that may be illegal or point to other problems? In the end I expect to find something specific that can be addressed.

A physician or abuse counselor, a worried spouse or other caring person can also see telltales in the alcoholic. With the alcoholic, though, there is no point to which the doctor or anyone else can point and say "Aha, there it is! You have the disease alcoholism." It's only when the patient reaches the point where the plaque on the wall that begins "We admitted we were powerless..." becomes utterly and absolutely the reflection of what the patient sees in the mirror that the diagnosis is made.

For me the diagnosis is made. And you know what? The phrase "I became a drunk" isn't so ugly anymore. That I can say or write that phrase about myself without resorting to the barroom humor of "I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem" tells me that I have turned the corner. I have done the 1st Step completely and honestly. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

Until next time ...

I will not go gently...

2010-06-27T22:49:00.000-04:00

Don't let the bastards get you down. On the outside I've always been a confident, relatively successful guy. I've changed career paths twice -- in the same industry and same employer and have had a measure of accomplishment. That's why it feels a little odd to be feeling a sense of fear as I start this blog.

After a number of years in publishing as an editor, and an equal number on the technical side of the publishing house as a systems administrator and manager, I started working information security almost 20 years ago when my company needed to provide Internet access to its employees and it fell to me to make it happen. A couple of Linux servers created from spare equipment, a connection from a service provider and some hard work later we had a DMZ, mail server and firewall up and running and my career in InfoSec was launched.

A lot has happened since '93, much of it good. But the most important thing I've experienced happened on a very personal level and has had a tremendous impact on my life. It also is the source of the fear I mentioned.

I was always a bit workaholic, managing to maintain a paying job continuously since I was 14 except for about a year and a half in college. As an adult the industry I joined while still finishing university also helped me bring to realization another -holic facet of my life -- alcoholic.

Drinking hard was part of the culture of my industry and I thrived in that culture. Work hard, drink hard, repeat as necessary.

I moved into technology -- not my original major -- after just a few years. My industry began to computerize in the late '70s and by the early '80s I had enough exposure to realize that I had a talent for that side of things. A little training, experience and luck brought me an early-career transition and ever-increasing responsibility and stress. I no longer worked just a regular day before heading off to family, friends and booze. Work became 24/7/365 for almost 15 years and my drinking increased with the stress. My family began to suffer and so did I, but I ignored the problems alcohol was making worse with the all too familiar "you would drink, too, if..."

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I proved to be a highly functional alcoholic. No blackouts, no DUIs, no legal troubles or workplace troubles of any kind until the very end. Instead, I kept getting more responsibility and more stress, all lubricated with my favorite beverage.

Over time I've had the opportunity to make a difference at a lot of organizational levels in multiple industry groups. I've been comfortable working from the boardroom to the maintenance shop. Implementation and application of technical solutions; creation and management of administrative controls; regulatory compliance; incident response and analysis; forensic data capture and management; I was working in all of these areas while in active alcoholism. I still work these areas, but now in active recovery.

By any calculation I spent the better part of the past 35 years drinking alcoholically. I probably would already be dead or closely approaching death from an alcohol-related cause except the day came that I finally reached a bottom that made realize that I wanted to stop digging; I just had to find out how. That's where the title of this first post takes on meaning. I have given this damn disease too many years and hurt too many people who love me to let it continue and I will not let it take the rest of my life without a damn good fight.

I'm no expert in recovery, not even my own. But after a little more than a year I've just reached the point where I know a little of how little I know. So sometimes I'll be writing about recovery from my perspective, the only one I have, and sometimes I'll be writing about the Information Security world, which I know a little better. I hope you will join me on the journey and enjoy the ride.