Glancing back over what I had written then brought back a lot of old memories, some good, some bad, very bad. The first time someone I knew relatively went back out, the first time I lost someone in sobriety whom I loved and respected to suicide.
It was January of 2011 that I wrote the previous entry. It's now February of 2017. In 2011 I had a little less than two years of sobriety. The feeling of being sober and learning a new way of life, along with the experiences of moving into a new phase of my career still had that "new car" feel. I had a couple of sponsees (none of whom stayed sober), I was traveling for business and enjoying meetings all over the country, relations with my family were healing. My wife and adult children no longer feared dad "breaking out drunk."
Today, as I look back, I recognize the "toddler" taking his first steps away from mom and dad into a new world. Today, as I shared tonight in my home group, I still want to consider myself a newcomer in recovery. A little more jaded, a lot more hurt, a lot less trusting, but confident that there is no place in the world I would rather fight my disease than in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I have and have had a number of sponsees, both men and women. One woman I sponsor now has five years, another guy has almost five, and the list continues to a man I'm working with just coming back from a relapse.
I've also seen a lot of death. Some of them were good deaths. Men and women who died in the course of their lives, sober, surrounded by family and friends. Some were tragic, a young 20-year-old with three years suddenly taken in a car accident. Some were simply sad losses of lives taken by this fucking disease too soon. And even though it's Alcoholics Anonymous, the number of cross-addicted sufferers coming into the rooms is growing and it's rare to find a "pure" alcoholic. So I work with both. I have a man with 10 months clean from heroin, reunited with his fiance and his children, planning his marriage, working daily to receive that precious "daily reprieve" the book promises.
But none of this has anything to do with anything special that I do. I'm just another drunk and former user. It's the program that works. All I do is pass on what I've been taught and experienced.
Every day I'm reminded that the problem was not alcohol. The problem was me.
And the problem continues to be me.
I battle depression, self-doubt, self-loathing, FEAR because I will never be anything but human. Every other person on the planet has demons of their own they deal with, but as an alcoholic I face a disease that wants to reclaim me and kill me. The good news is that I have a program and friends that help me face my fears, trample on the self-doubt and loathing, and offer support through depressive episodes. My wife is always there, but it can be difficult on her because my problems can also be threatening to her on a very personal level.
And on a very beautiful note, I have NOT found in necessary to take a drink or a drug for almost eight years. I HAVE found it necessary to remain open to the simple fact that I will never be anything but an alcoholic and that I must continue to grow, to face my difficulties, seek help from God as I understand him, and work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I hope I'll regain the drive to continue this blog. If so, you'll be seeing more from me soon!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
