When I posted the other day it occurred to me that it had been a solid month since I had done any writing on this site. While I've certainly kept busy keeping the clients happy and the bank account reasonably healthy I also have missed sharing my recovery -- the good and the bad.
The persistence of this disease continually amazes me. It's almost like a malevolent presence waiting to pounce from nowhere and consume me. Yesterday, even though I had been at my favorite weekly men's meeting, which was powerful and healing; even though I had had a sponsee with me with whom I had solid conversation and a chance to help him as he proceeds on the road; even though I had been on the phone with my sponsor after the meeting talking about the day, I found myself doing my old brooding routine on the porch as I smoked a cigarette. Suddenly I realized that I was actually making a mental inventory of which liquor stores might still be open if I hurried!
There was no reason for the disease to pounce. I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely or particularly tired. But I know that if I had not spent the past 18 months building a stronger relationship with my Higher Power, developing a healthy relationship of accountability with my sponsor and learning to become a student of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I would have lost the fight. I would have lost because I would not have had the spiritual toolkit necessary to maintain my sobriety.
The book tells us plainly that there will come a time when an alcoholic who is not in fit spiritual condition will be powerless before the first drink. I know that is the truth in my experience.
The disease is persistent as well as cunning, baffling and powerful. But with the help of AA and my Higher Power I can and will prevail as long as I remain "willing to go to any length..."
Until next time...
