Are we too nice to help?

"Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

--ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , p. 62

We sometimes try to be too nice at meetings with newcomers and chronic relapsers who are more interested in finding excuses than solutions. At least that's my humble opinion.

I was in two meetings yesterday where the discussion was started, in both cases by men who have been in and out of the rooms for years, with complaints of how unfair life and AA are. In the first meeting we had just finished reading the daily reflection, which started with the quote above, and a guy started the discussion by talking about how he just can't get a "fair shake" from AA because it focuses on self-delusion, selfishness and self-pity. He's been dual-diagnosed with depression and PTSD, he's on medication and it's not his fault that he keeps drinking. In the second meeting the fellow that asked to start the discussion started talking about how he's homeless, living in a tent in the woods, can't get a job (or keep one) and he just can't seem to not drink because "things" are so bad.

In neither case was the "bullshit" flag thrown. Instead, the other people who shared danced around the issues and just urged both men to "keep coming back." Only a couple of people said anything about getting serious about the program and, if there were unresolved medical issues, to continue seeking appropriate medical care.

I have to admit, I just sat there, too. Honestly, I think I was worried about getting embarrassed if I said something strong and got called out myself by one of the oldtimers there. (Note to self: Self, talk to sponsor)

Anyway, what do I mean by the bullshit flag? I mean laying out cleanly and unambiguously that both guys were simply doing what thousands before them have done. They were simply trying to justify why they were different, why they were unique. They were looking for excuses for their drinking and neither one really wanted sobriety.

Lots of people in and out of the program have psychological issues. If it's treatable and you're treating it there's no excuse for not taking responsibility for your actions and decisions. If you're an alcoholic you have a choice to make. Are you willing to "go to any lengths" for sobriety? It doesn't matter if you have a home, a wife or a job. If you keep drinking any of those things you still have will inevitably go away and experience shows us that only a bleak future awaits.

I'm not saying to be cruel or mean. But we have to be honest with the alcoholic that comes in for help, even if he's coming back for the 90th time. Our founders were honest with each other and with their "pigeons" and we can do no less for each other. If we refuse to tell another alcoholic to stop lying to himself, to get honest and start working the program we're not doing him any favors and we're not doing ourselves any favors.

If you keep drinking no one's going to hire you. If you keep drinking you won't be able to keep a home. If you keep drinking ...