Don't let the bastards get you down. On the outside I've always been a confident, relatively successful guy. I've changed career paths twice -- in the same industry and same employer and have had a measure of accomplishment. That's why it feels a little odd to be feeling a sense of fear as I start this blog.
After a number of years in publishing as an editor, and an equal number on the technical side of the publishing house as a systems administrator and manager, I started working information security almost 20 years ago when my company needed to provide Internet access to its employees and it fell to me to make it happen. A couple of Linux servers created from spare equipment, a connection from a service provider and some hard work later we had a DMZ, mail server and firewall up and running and my career in InfoSec was launched.
A lot has happened since '93, much of it good. But the most important thing I've experienced happened on a very personal level and has had a tremendous impact on my life. It also is the source of the fear I mentioned.
I was always a bit workaholic, managing to maintain a paying job continuously since I was 14 except for about a year and a half in college. As an adult the industry I joined while still finishing university also helped me bring to realization another -holic facet of my life -- alcoholic.
Drinking hard was part of the culture of my industry and I thrived in that culture. Work hard, drink hard, repeat as necessary.
I moved into technology -- not my original major -- after just a few years. My industry began to computerize in the late '70s and by the early '80s I had enough exposure to realize that I had a talent for that side of things. A little training, experience and luck brought me an early-career transition and ever-increasing responsibility and stress. I no longer worked just a regular day before heading off to family, friends and booze. Work became 24/7/365 for almost 15 years and my drinking increased with the stress. My family began to suffer and so did I, but I ignored the problems alcohol was making worse with the all too familiar "you would drink, too, if..."
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I proved to be a highly functional alcoholic. No blackouts, no DUIs, no legal troubles or workplace troubles of any kind until the very end. Instead, I kept getting more responsibility and more stress, all lubricated with my favorite beverage.
Over time I've had the opportunity to make a difference at a lot of organizational levels in multiple industry groups. I've been comfortable working from the boardroom to the maintenance shop. Implementation and application of technical solutions; creation and management of administrative controls; regulatory compliance; incident response and analysis; forensic data capture and management; I was working in all of these areas while in active alcoholism. I still work these areas, but now in active recovery.
By any calculation I spent the better part of the past 35 years drinking alcoholically. I probably would already be dead or closely approaching death from an alcohol-related cause except the day came that I finally reached a bottom that made realize that I wanted to stop digging; I just had to find out how. That's where the title of this first post takes on meaning. I have given this damn disease too many years and hurt too many people who love me to let it continue and I will not let it take the rest of my life without a damn good fight.
I'm no expert in recovery, not even my own. But after a little more than a year I've just reached the point where I know a little of how little I know. So sometimes I'll be writing about recovery from my perspective, the only one I have, and sometimes I'll be writing about the Information Security world, which I know a little better. I hope you will join me on the journey and enjoy the ride.
