Persistence

When I posted the other day it occurred to me that it had been a solid month since I had done any writing on this site. While I've certainly kept busy keeping the clients happy and the bank account reasonably healthy I also have missed sharing my recovery -- the good and the bad.

The persistence of this disease continually amazes me. It's almost like a malevolent presence waiting to pounce from nowhere and consume me. Yesterday, even though I had been at my favorite weekly men's meeting, which was powerful and healing; even though I had had a sponsee with me with whom I had solid conversation and a chance to help him as he proceeds on the road; even though I had been on the phone with my sponsor after the meeting talking about the day, I found myself doing my old brooding routine on the porch as I smoked a cigarette. Suddenly I realized that I was actually making a mental inventory of which liquor stores might still be open if I hurried!

There was no reason for the disease to pounce. I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely or particularly tired. But I know that if I had not spent the past 18 months building a stronger relationship with my Higher Power, developing a healthy relationship of accountability with my sponsor and learning to become a student of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I would have lost the fight. I would have lost because I would not have had the spiritual toolkit necessary to maintain my sobriety.

The book tells us plainly that there will come a time when an alcoholic who is not in fit spiritual condition will be powerless before the first drink. I know that is the truth in my experience.

The disease is persistent as well as cunning, baffling and powerful. But with the help of AA and my Higher Power I can and will prevail as long as I remain "willing to go to any length..."

Until next time...

Goodbye to a friend.

I, along with 150 or so of his closest friends, said goodbye to a friend today. He died sober.

I knew him better than I deserved, but not as well as I wanted. He gave me hope when I saw none. He never talked about anyone, but he would speak to anyone. He spoke to me. With a wry smile and a heavy, sometimes almost incomprehensible drawl he let me know it was going to be OK -- today. And somehow it was always today.

My friend reached out for the hand of a lot of suffering men for a lot of years and placed those hands in the hand of God. That's what he was taught to do and that is what he did. He wasn't my sponsor, but he was my friend. I am richer today because of him.

Thank you, Mississippi Pat.