Wow! Time passes so quickly

Talking with a friend this evening who said she was thinking about starting a blog suddenly sparked the memory that early in sobriety I had tried blogging. A few minutes after getting home I had my earphones on listening to my favorite playlist and damn if the old blog wasn't still there and I remembered how to access it!

Glancing back over what I had written then brought back a lot of old memories, some good, some bad, very bad. The first time someone I knew relatively went back out, the first time I lost someone in sobriety whom I loved and respected to suicide.

It was January of 2011 that I wrote the previous entry. It's now February of 2017. In 2011 I had a little less than two years of sobriety. The feeling of being sober and learning a new way of life, along with the experiences of moving into a new phase of my career still had that "new car" feel. I had a couple of sponsees (none of whom stayed sober), I was traveling for business and enjoying meetings all over the country, relations with my family were healing. My wife and adult children no longer feared dad "breaking out drunk."

Today, as I look back, I recognize the "toddler" taking his first steps away from mom and dad into a new world. Today, as I shared tonight in my home group, I still want to consider myself a newcomer in recovery. A little more jaded, a lot more hurt, a lot less trusting, but confident that there is no place in the world I would rather fight my disease than in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have and have had a number of sponsees, both men and women. One woman I sponsor now has five years, another guy has almost five, and the list continues to a man I'm working with just coming back from a relapse.

I've also seen a lot of death. Some of them were good deaths. Men and women who died in the course of their lives, sober, surrounded by family and friends. Some were tragic, a young 20-year-old with three years suddenly taken in a car accident. Some were simply sad losses of lives taken by this fucking disease too soon. And even though it's Alcoholics Anonymous, the number of cross-addicted sufferers coming into the rooms is growing and it's rare to find a "pure" alcoholic. So I work with both. I have a man with 10 months clean from heroin, reunited with his fiance and his children, planning his marriage, working daily to receive that precious "daily reprieve" the book promises.

But none of this has anything to do with anything special that I do. I'm just another drunk and former user. It's the program that works. All I do is pass on what I've been taught and experienced.

Every day I'm reminded that the problem was not alcohol. The problem was me.

And the problem continues to be me.

I battle depression, self-doubt, self-loathing, FEAR because I will never be anything but human. Every other person on the planet has demons of their own they deal with, but as an alcoholic I face a disease that wants to reclaim me and kill me. The good news is that I have a program and friends that help me face my fears, trample on the self-doubt and loathing, and offer support through depressive episodes. My wife is always there, but it can be difficult on her because my problems can also be threatening to her on a very personal level.

And on a very beautiful note, I have NOT found in necessary to take a drink or a drug for almost eight years. I HAVE found it necessary to remain open to the simple fact that I will never be anything but an alcoholic and that I must continue to grow, to face my difficulties, seek help from God as I understand him, and work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I hope I'll regain the drive to continue this blog. If so, you'll be seeing more from me soon!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Don't be left home group-less!

I'm wrapping up a business trip more than halfway across the country from home. It's been a very productive and rewarding trip, helping a client solve a problem where the solution actually means something to the client's clients. But, this is the first significant trip I've taken since getting sober and I admit I felt a little trepidation as the trip neared.

Business travel had always been accompanied by booze and there was some fear that the disease would come back to hit me with "you're away from home and no one will know" and "hey, you can find a way to write it off!" Fortunately, I have a brilliant bride and a strong sponsor and both made sure I was prepared not only for the business part of the trip, but for all the other hours as well.

I made sure I knew where the meetings were closest to my hotel and, after checking the schedules, knew that with my Higher Power's protection I would just be able to make an 8 p.m. meeting after arriving at my destination. Even with a layover in Atlanta I got to Denver right on time, there were no hiccups with the luggage or the rental car and the hour drive to where I was going to be went as smoothly as I could hope. And 8 p.m. found me just walking into the door of the club that would be my home away from home for the next almost two weeks.

One of the beautiful things about AA is that when I walk into a group anywhere it's like I've been there all along. There's absolutely no difference in a drunk in my hometown and a drunk in Colorado. What we share goes much deeper than a difference in accent and the fact that this Southern boy was not exactly sure he would survive a Colorado January! I was welcomed into the group I walked into with open arms and, even better, they had never heard some of the ice breakers that are often heard back home. Things like: "Look around you. It's [insert time] on [insert day]. Do you realize how much safer the streets of [insert town] are tonight because we're all here?"

I did try a couple of other meetings while in Colorado, but I kept coming back to the warmth of that first one. And they had some sayings of their own, many aimed at welcoming the newcomer. A couple of my favorites were "Don't be left home group-less" and "if you want to be a member of this group you just have to say you are -- Y'ARR!"

I'll tell you this. As long as welcoming groups exist in places like the Rocky Mountain Serenity Club in Fort Collins, Colorado there will never be a reason for any alcoholic to be home group-less! I'm looking forward to being home tomorrow, but I couldn't let the evening end without saying thanks my friends. You're my home group away from home! Y'ARR!

Until next time.

Building a base

I was reminded tonight that no matter how good our intentions are, if we don't operate from a firm foundation things aren't likely to turn out well.

When I'm analyzing a client's information security architecture or recommending an enhancement or addition to the program there is never a question as to the components that must provide the base of support necessary for the program to be successful. But, when it comes to my alcoholism, there's always that tendency to want to second-guess the program with a "do I really need that?"

The simple answer is, if the AA program "suggests" it, do it.

That was brought home to be by the speaker I heard tonight, who described a harrowing alcoholic journey interrupted by brief periods of sobriety that always ended when she stopped working the program as given to her and put herself and not her Higher Power in the driver's seat. She knew:

"It won't happen this time..."
"I know what it's like out there now..."
"I love him too much to let him go now..."

Well it did happen, she forgot what it was like and that love disappeared when he went back out. She didn't have a base to stand on and she fell. Over and over and over. She lost. Over and over and over. She finally did reach her bottom. Nearly dead, but she reached it. And now, with a little more than a year, she's sharing the message of hope that she has found building a base on which to stand. She's learning the true meaning of the words: "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..."

She shared that hope with me tonight and I'm grateful, because it reminds me that I have to take time every day to work on my program and build that base a little stronger.

Until next time...

What a wonderful way...

What a great start to the New Year! All those years where I was already well sloshed by the time the ball dropped are past and I didn't even wake up with bleary eyes, a cotton mouth or needing to throw up! Granted I didn't get up early this morning, but that was because I greeted the New Year with a meeting that started shortly after midnight. If it wasn't the first it was certainly one of the first meetings of the year in NE Florida.

We were a small group, gathered in the back room of a local clubhouse that was throwing its own New Year's Eve bash. We sat up the chairs and the candles for our candlelight meeting as we listened to other members of the fellowship cheer in the year and a few minutes after midnight I was given the privilege of starting the meeting. "My name is ..."

We decided to focus the meeting on the need to find our bottom before coming to AA, not only because we were starting the new year, but because we had a couple of beginners with us -- one of whom picked up his white chip at the end of the meeting. When we closed I think we all felt better. We were sober, not just dry, and feeling a wonderful sense of hope for the new year.

After the meeting I stopped by the clubhouse that hosts my home group and talked for a bit with a few of the men I know from the fellowship before finding my way home. As I crawled into bed, my wonderful, understanding bride of 28 years woke enough to ask me how it went and all I could say was "great." The sense of love and hope that fills me is beyond my wildest expectation and I am so grateful for the many gifts my God has given me.

A Happy and Blessed New Year to all of you!

Until next time...

Happy and blessed New Year

Well, here we are just a few days away from the start of a new year. It's hard to believe the changes that have occurred in the past year and a half and I feel more blessed than I could ever have imagined. Learning to traverse life without the bottle to hide within is, at times, a challenge greater than any I have ever faced. I am continuing to learn, however, that my Higher Power, my God as I understand Him, is always there!

I pray that all of you out there stay the course. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path! Do the footwork and don't allow your head and disease to kill you. Keep sober feet this year. When your head says "I don't need a meeting" get to one right now! If your feet are in the meeting the head is bound to follow.

Happy New Year as we trudge that road to happy destiny!

Persistence

When I posted the other day it occurred to me that it had been a solid month since I had done any writing on this site. While I've certainly kept busy keeping the clients happy and the bank account reasonably healthy I also have missed sharing my recovery -- the good and the bad.

The persistence of this disease continually amazes me. It's almost like a malevolent presence waiting to pounce from nowhere and consume me. Yesterday, even though I had been at my favorite weekly men's meeting, which was powerful and healing; even though I had had a sponsee with me with whom I had solid conversation and a chance to help him as he proceeds on the road; even though I had been on the phone with my sponsor after the meeting talking about the day, I found myself doing my old brooding routine on the porch as I smoked a cigarette. Suddenly I realized that I was actually making a mental inventory of which liquor stores might still be open if I hurried!

There was no reason for the disease to pounce. I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely or particularly tired. But I know that if I had not spent the past 18 months building a stronger relationship with my Higher Power, developing a healthy relationship of accountability with my sponsor and learning to become a student of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I would have lost the fight. I would have lost because I would not have had the spiritual toolkit necessary to maintain my sobriety.

The book tells us plainly that there will come a time when an alcoholic who is not in fit spiritual condition will be powerless before the first drink. I know that is the truth in my experience.

The disease is persistent as well as cunning, baffling and powerful. But with the help of AA and my Higher Power I can and will prevail as long as I remain "willing to go to any length..."

Until next time...

Goodbye to a friend.

I, along with 150 or so of his closest friends, said goodbye to a friend today. He died sober.

I knew him better than I deserved, but not as well as I wanted. He gave me hope when I saw none. He never talked about anyone, but he would speak to anyone. He spoke to me. With a wry smile and a heavy, sometimes almost incomprehensible drawl he let me know it was going to be OK -- today. And somehow it was always today.

My friend reached out for the hand of a lot of suffering men for a lot of years and placed those hands in the hand of God. That's what he was taught to do and that is what he did. He wasn't my sponsor, but he was my friend. I am richer today because of him.

Thank you, Mississippi Pat.